The Best Unexpected

Inspiration, laughter, and a tiny cheese obsession.


December 6, 2014


I haven’t posted in quite some time, and for good reason.  Everything fell apart.  Business deals, plans that had been seemingly set in stone, and ideas that I had put all my weight into.  Even my computer decided to crash! Yep, everything just went kaboom.

Thank. God.

The one thing I am beginning to realise is that life will knock you to your feet if you are hell-bent on running in the wrong direction.  And I was.  I wanted so desperately for things to work out according to Plan A, and to be done on time and to perfection.  But life doesn’t work that way.  I wanted things to work out with my business so much that I ignored red flags because I didn’t want to believe that I could have put my trust in a business partner that I instinctively knew wouldn’t hold true to his word.   I knew the whole time.  The. Whole. Damn. Time.

Life intervened, and everything blew up.  And you know what?  It is ok.  It is ok because there was a huge part of me that needed everything to fall apart so that I could sit down and figure out what I REALLY wanted.  The prospect of money can fog everything, and there is something healing about having to start from scratch.

So, now I am at the point of surrender.  I have let go and simply allow myself to take a break and take care of myself.  I can’t control my path, just as much as I can’t control the people around me.  But, I can decide to release and surrender into this moment and give myself the chance to see what the next steps are.  I believe that things will fall into place now that all the debris has been swept away.  Hell, even my computer has a new hard drive and a clean slate!

Maybe I need a new hard drive.  I think it is about time to reboot.

The Fall

October 25, 2014


There are moments that can knock us off our feet. You can pretend that you don’t see it coming,  but you would be fooling yourself….because we always know when the fall is about to happen.  For me, it happens when I am running on empty both physically and emotionally. Trying to please everybody and failing miserablely. It can start with misunderstandings, or miscommunications, and often entails me trying to avoid a confrontation at all costs. Until the fall is inevitable,  and feelings get hurt. Sometimes so much that you feel broken for days, and you feel like a fool because the tears won’t stop.

The sad part is that it could have been avoided. It can always be avoided if we are honest with ourselves and the people we love. But we run from confrontation until it exploads out of us like a raging storm and we say things we don’t mean.  We hurt eachother because we no longer know how to speak to eachother without frustration and blame.  Friends, family, and lovers… happens to us all.

The hardest part is the aftermath. The day after the tears, when you have to pick yourself back up and try to fix the broken pieces.  You have to hope, you have to absolutely believe, that love will heal everyone’s wounds.

Because we hurt eachother.  It is inevitable and heartbreaking. But love is stronger than those moments when we are weak and say horrible things we can’t take back.  That is what gets us back up. That is what keeps us moving forward.

“We like to pretend that our generous impulses come naturally. But the reality is we often become our kindest, most ethical selves only by seeing what it feels like to be a selfish jackass first. It’s the reason… we have to get burned before we understand the power of fire; the reason our most meaningful relationships are so often those that continued beyond the very juncture at which they came the closest to ending”.
-cheryl strayed

Leap Of Faith

October 9, 2014


The picture you see of a crazy woman leaping off a very tiny pole… that’s me.  Yep, that is me flying through the air after taking a very scary jump off a very TALL pole.  A pole that I had to climb.  A pole that I was told represented what I wanted to overcome in my life.  And I climbed that pole as I was shaking and scared and wondering how in the world I was going to hoist myself up onto the tiny round platform. It represented me pulling myself up, standing tall on shaky ground and taking a chance to leap forward toward what I want I life.  All leaps in life are scary, but this was one of the most emotionally and physically terrifying things I have ever done. It was my “Leap of Faith” and to say that it changed me is an understatement.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? Because I am not someone who normally leaps off poles, or jumps off ziplines.  That was me when I was in my 20’s….now, not so much.  Life and fear has gotten the best of me in the past few years.  To be honest, life has taken a big chunk out of me, and I wanted to reclaim some of my old fearlessness, passion and chutzpah.  So I went away to camp. You heard that right!  I went away for a weekend retreat for women at Campowerment.  It was the best decision I have made in a very long time (except for saying a big fat YES to marrying Mike. That is the world’s best decision……but I digress).

I had read about Campowerment and the founder Tammi Leader Fuller a few weeks back and was struck by her passion for providing a space for women to get back a little “me time”.  A place where girlfriends, mothers and daughters, or single ladies looking for some space could go and find a way to recharge, refresh, and find their strength again.  Because let’s face it, we are all drained.  We are all being pulled into thousand different directions.  We are all too damn tired.  All. The. Time. 

The camp experience brings together experts from all over the industry teaching you how to find some peace in your daily life, whether it be with yoga classes, business strategies, wellness seminars or creative activities.  I spent four days reigniting my soul.  I made vision boards, I took journaling classes, a class on organization (who doesn’t need that help!) and  I listened to some of the most powerful female coaches who moved me to get my act in gear.  And yes, I ended the weekend by facing my fears and taking a very giant leap of faith.

This time at camp is something tremendous and necessary for every woman I know.  This is something to share with your best friend, your sister, or simply go by yourself.  I went alone and walked away with some amazing new friends.  Yes, I was nervous and afraid…but isn’t that the point? To move forward toward something that is unknown because you need to be woken up! You need to be able to feel reignited.  You need to let go and allow yourself to breathe again.

Mike has said I came home a new woman, and although I am not sure if that is true, I can say with all my heart that I found that 20 year old girl inside me and got some of my fearlessness back.  I found my spunk and my spark again.

All by going back to Camp.

Continue Reading

Joy brings more Joy!

September 6, 2014

joyquotes I have always been amazed at how beautifully life can change when you least expect it.  Less than a month ago I was feeling lost, and then amazingly things tied together….. with a ring and the return of my best friend.

Mike surprised me with a proposal, and in that moment my world slowed down.  The peace and joy that poured out me was something I have never felt.  I get to spend the rest of my life with the man who has loved me through great loss, and never stopped making me laugh.  Gratitude doesn’t even cut it.

But, on top of that, this change…this joy….brought me back to my best friend.  The excitement of planning bonded us instantly and made me feel as if any distance we have had was gone.  The connection that we had for 25 years rushed back within a phone call and a question “will you be my maid of honor”.  We have worked on invitations together, laughed about our future, and felt a kinship that had been paused by her cancer.  Now, the conversations revolve around celebration.  That, for me, has been the greatest gift of all.

Since then, it has been amazing to see the overwhelming happiness that my friends have surrounded me with.  And guess what comes when good things are flowing….opportunities, productivity, and love.  A whole lot of stinking love!  My work has picked up, and the doubts that were pinning me down to the ground have started to subside.  I see hope. So much hope.

Joy brings joy.  I feel it in my bones that by creating my future with Mike, I am moving toward my best possible self.  I say this in hopes that someone can read this and feel that hope.  Feel that joy, and know that great things can come even when you don’t see a path forward.   It happened for me in an instant, and I said YES to Mike, and to life.

Fight the Fear

August 11, 2014


I wanted to continue on my last post, and expand on the word “fear” which can be misconstrued as something depressing or sad.  It is the opposite actually.  For me, allowing myself to be honest about my hesitations and admitting to being scared is healing.  I don’t see fear as something to hide from anymore.  I see it as a chance for me to grow. A chance for me to move forward.  That doesn’t mean that there aren’t moments of overwhelm or grief.  It doesn’t mean that there aren’t days that I question everything and want the bumpy ride of life to stop. Seriously, just STOP!  But, the ride…that scary, messy, heartbreaking ride of growing up allows me to have a choice. I get to choose how I move forward.  I can focus on what is distressing me and learn from it, or I can retreat and stay planted firmly in the past.  I choose to acknowledge that I am scared shitless of change.  How freeing is it to say that?!  Say it with me now…. “I have some fears, but I will acknowledge them, learn from them, and grow from them”.

If you ask most people, they will say that the thought of change is frightening.  That big, fat scary beast that lurks under your bed and changes your stable path in an instant.   It can come in the form of an illness, a divorce, a career change, or simply a change of heart.  When Mike read my post, he simply said “You are maturing and becoming a stronger woman, you shouldn’t be afraid of that.  Our lives will always change, and we have to try to live in this moment now.”  How right he is.  How simple and true.  I have always been the planner, and the cruise director of my future…. until life decided that I needed to grow up.  I have always hit roadblocks, and bobbed and weaved from my illnesses.  But, I look back now and realise that I never allowed myself to grow from those setbacks.  I just picked myself up, dusted myself off, and kept trucking along the same path.  What would have happened had I allowed myself to CHANGE.  What could have happened had I taken those setbacks and LEARNED from them.  I may have been resilient, but I sure was stubborn!  I stood firmly in my patterns of “who I was”, and never allowed myself to discover who I could be.  I was like a stubborn teenager, thinking I had all the answers when in fact I was blocking out all potential for growth.

You now see why admitting to myself that I am scared is not something I am ashamed of, because for the first time I am wanting and willing to allow myself to fight the fear and move forward.   I am trying to figure out who I am, without all my preconceived notions of the past.  And yes, it is frightening.  And yes, I am totally ok with that.

What if?

August 9, 2014


So here is the truth. I am scared. Confused and utterly scared. I am at such a crossroads in my life where everything I knew to be true in my past has changed.  Ironically, I used to be completely sure of my future, yet completely unaware of who I was. I was insecure and quite embarrassingly a needy mess. There, I said it. I have no shame in remembering the scared girl I used to be, because I have moved past her now.  I was confident that I would be a mother, and  that I would grow old with my best friend. Yet, I no longer know if either of those are possiblities. My future is now a blank page, and I have no idea how to write the next chapter. I am a different person now. My joy is quieter now. I find my peace and my laughter with Mike. I am happy to burrow in my home. I want selfishly to live my days exploring everything with him. Love has changed every part of my being, but has also thrown me for the world’s biggest loop.

This year and my subsequent heath issues has left me with so many questions, and so many fears.  Although we fixed the immediate problem,  the harsh truth is that I will always be someone who walks the uphill battle of trying to stay well. My stomach has been my worst enemy since I was a little girl, and to this day burns like fire, and doubles me over at the first sign of stress.  All I can think of now is “how selfish would I be to raise a child when I constantly fight to stay well”.  I don’t want that burden placed on Mike. I look at Mike and the person I have become because of his love and support, and I want to write stories of our adventures,  and not our struggles.  My life with Mike is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am home when I am standing by his side.  What if stubbornly sticking to my past ideals of motherhood hurt everything we have built? I look around desperately for a family life or marriage that I can aspire to. Yet, my friends who have babies are struggling and exhausted.  I see marriages crumbling, and couples raging war on eachother or treating their partners with indifference. I can not find anything to hold on to that affirms a happy family life.

How do I write my own story? How do I take the love and joy that I have with my partner, and create a completely different book?

What happens now that everything I used to hold true is changing? Friendships have broken my heart, business deals have fallen through, and I am fighting to be a woman I can be proud of. I am terrified.  I used to be so sure of myself. I was so god dammed cockey.  I look back and have no idea who that girl was.

So, I venture off and grasp to create my own future. I have no idea what I am doing.  I used to have my best friend as my guiding post and north star,  and her cancer has taken her away, traveling down her own path…and she doesn’t want anyone beside her.  Not even me. Her future has irrevocably changed too….

I have to try to paint a future without the two things I always thought were a given. Me being a mom, and my best friend being there beside me.

I am grieving over the future I thought I was going to have.

All I can do now is fight to live in the moments of joy.  I choose everyday to focus on the things I am grateful for. I choose to find laughter. I choose to TRY. It is not always an easy task.  But, I have love. Great love.  I have a future with a man who will walk beside me.  I need to make peace with the unknown, and say goodbye to the future I thought I wanted. I need to stop being so damned frightened.

I focus on my new story, and hope it will be as beautiful as the previous one I had invisioned.

Try by Colbie Caillat

July 29, 2014

This song and video have been in my heart today.  As someone who works in the film and beauty industry, I have to fight to remind myself that the standards of beauty in the media do not define me.  It is so easy to fall into the rabbit hole of self doubt, self sabotage and criticism.  Who among us hasn’t felt defeated when the extra 10 pounds won’t come off, or you get that dreaded pimple.  It is heartbreaking to feel that you are good enough.  I struggled with it for years.  My insecurities started to hurt my relationships, and my confidence.  How could I be comfortable in front of a camera if I felt like a troll? How could I be romantic with my Mike if I couldn’t feel sexy? So, last year I decided to do something drastic…I threw out my scale, and took down my full length mirrors.  It may sound crazy, but it worked.  I stopped judging myself.  I stopped spending time picking apart my body, or hating my outfits.  It is still a journey.  The work of self acceptance will be a long road.  But, we all need to try to love ourselves more.  It is a battle, I know.  Be strong…. and TRY.

Colbie Caillat- Try

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don’t be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don’t have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you’re all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don’t you like you?
Cause I like you Continue Reading

It is not about the weight….

July 22, 2014


For the past few months I have transformed.  Shedding my skin in tiny, cleansing ways.  At first, it was about losing weight, and fitting into a pair of jeans that didn’t have elastic on the waist (yes, I owned those. Don’t judge!).  But, for the past month my transformation has become more than just my jean size.  I have started to care for myself again.  I have been able to look in the mirror and smirk back at my reflection.  When someone has said I look good, I have said “thank you” instead of making a crack about my appearance.  I have finally began to enjoy all my wobbly bits and jiggly parts…because they are apart of me.  Because hating my body, and hiding myself under baggy clothes was exhausting.  There is such a tremendous amount of joy that comes with being comfortable in your own skin.  What a profound lesson….I have begun to love myself.  Who knew?! When I mentioned to my best friend that I wore a bikini the other week and was looking forward to the beach this summer, she seemed shocked and huffed “but you never do that. you hate that”.  She was right, the thought of being in front of others in a bikini or shorts used to terrify me.   So, you may ask, what has changed?  Well, here is the answer…I no longer base my self-acceptance on anyone else.  After so much loss, I refuse to lose any more memories or potential adventures because I am afraid of a strangers glare or condemnation.  One of my current mantras is: “Not my circus. Not my monkeys”.  Meaning, the craziness and mindless judgements of the crowd is not my problem.

This past week I got to enjoy the company of women who adored themselves, and joyfully embraced their muffin tops, and mommy bodies.  It was an amazing.  They were more focused on being good mothers, and honoring their friendships, rather than berating themselves over the extra 10 pounds or lack of perfect wardrobe. I had the honor of sitting with one of my closest friends, and basked in the glow of her newfound mommydom.  She shared with me how she too is transitioning and realised that she is a bit “hippie”.  She has never been more beautiful to me.  Her complete contentment with her choices, and her path was…for lack of a better word….completely awesome.  Then, there was another mother who laughed about her muffin top, and calmly stated that she “had better things to do than worry about my belly.  My husband thinks I am hot, so who else am I worried about”.  What a blazingly good statement!  And why has it taken me 36 years to love my belly? Well, ok… I may not completely love my belly….but I am trying.  We need to start treating eachother with respect, and stop the self hatred.  Maybe if we started telling ourselves “I am beautiful, I am funny, and freaking fantastic”  instead of “I am fat, I am lazy, and I am miserable” than things would change.  I know things have changed for me.  I may not look the best in shorts, but I am happy to stop hiding under my extra large sundresses.

So, this summer I will be at the beach in a bathing suit with my belly and my fair skin on full display…. and I can guarantee you I will be having a blast.   Continue Reading

“We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That’s what connects us-that we’re all broken, all beautifully imperfect”.