I wanted to continue on my last post, and expand on the word “fear” which can be misconstrued as something depressing or sad. It is the opposite actually. For me, allowing myself to be honest about my hesitations and admitting to being scared is healing. I don’t see fear as something to hide from anymore. I see it as a chance for me to grow. A chance for me to move forward. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t moments of overwhelm or grief. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t days that I question everything and want the bumpy ride of life to stop. Seriously, just STOP! But, the ride…that scary, messy, heartbreaking ride of growing up allows me to have a choice. I get to choose how I move forward. I can focus on what is distressing me and learn from it, or I can retreat and stay planted firmly in the past. I choose to acknowledge that I am scared shitless of change. How freeing is it to say that?! Say it with me now…. “I have some fears, but I will acknowledge them, learn from them, and grow from them”.
If you ask most people, they will say that the thought of change is frightening. That big, fat scary beast that lurks under your bed and changes your stable path in an instant. It can come in the form of an illness, a divorce, a career change, or simply a change of heart. When Mike read my post, he simply said “You are maturing and becoming a stronger woman, you shouldn’t be afraid of that. Our lives will always change, and we have to try to live in this moment now.” How right he is. How simple and true. I have always been the planner, and the cruise director of my future…. until life decided that I needed to grow up. I have always hit roadblocks, and bobbed and weaved from my illnesses. But, I look back now and realise that I never allowed myself to grow from those setbacks. I just picked myself up, dusted myself off, and kept trucking along the same path. What would have happened had I allowed myself to CHANGE. What could have happened had I taken those setbacks and LEARNED from them. I may have been resilient, but I sure was stubborn! I stood firmly in my patterns of “who I was”, and never allowed myself to discover who I could be. I was like a stubborn teenager, thinking I had all the answers when in fact I was blocking out all potential for growth.
You now see why admitting to myself that I am scared is not something I am ashamed of, because for the first time I am wanting and willing to allow myself to fight the fear and move forward. I am trying to figure out who I am, without all my preconceived notions of the past. And yes, it is frightening. And yes, I am totally ok with that.