Next Thursday I will be having surgery. All the questions I have asked about my health since November will finally be answered. Answers I have begged for. Waiting for. And, waiting is torture. Ask anyone who has experienced doctor ping pong, or a played a friendly game of “I have no idea what is causing this” with their doctor . It is torture.
There are moments when you would rather hear bad news than no news at all. At least then your pain would be justified, and not “just stress”. You can have something to work with. You can have a verifiable reason for all the turmoil.
Yet, I don’t know what I fear more…. having a concrete answer….or the doctor finding nothing. When my doctor asked me if I had any questions, the only thing I could come up with was “what if you don’t find anything”. He paused, and said that everyone asks him that very question. Oddly enough, it calmed me to know that I wasn’t alone. That my fears were universal. He held my hand and said he would be shocked if they didn’t find anything. Surprisingly, that also calmed me down.
There will be so many things answered. I want to know. I want to move on. I want to figure out how I can fight and conquer whatever has raged inside me. That is what keeps me moving forward. The thought of getting better, getting healthy, and overcoming these obstacles.
Give me an answer, and I will climb every mountain you put in front of me.