Here is the rub…no matter how much you love someone, you can not force them to try. You can not force them to move forward toward healing or helping themselves. It the most blindingly frustrating thing. So frustrating that it hurts. Standing by the sidelines and watching someone continue to hurt themselves emotionally, spiritually, or even physically is a drain on your soul. You want to force them to care; to take their vitamins, drink green juices, practice the downward dog, go to therapy, and be willing to move forward with their life.
You want to get down on your hands and knees and plead.
Plead that they will stop.
Stop being indignant, depressed, reactive, angry, and stubborn. You want to plead with them to try. No more excuses. Get their ass up and do something!
The reason I haven’t written much is because my heart and mind have been focused elsewhere. I have watched a few of the people I love take nose dives into a space where I can’t reach them. I know that I can’t help, because I too, have been in that black hole before. I know that nobody could have helped me during my grief, and I now see how much it must have hurt those around me. The truth is that you can’t force anyone to care. They have to find that within themselves. You can give advice, and plead for them to be open… but you can bet that same advice will fall upon deaf, or defensive ears. Sometimes, your pleads for them to change will only sound like pompous berating. When the person you love is hurting, the last thing they want to talk about is yoga or therapy.
What happens when this intersects with your own personal moments of trying to heal? Do you have to crawl back into the darkness? This year I have grown significantly, and find peace in working to get healthier (both physically, and mentally). Yet, I have had a hard time sharing these moments with the people closest to me. I have been silent about my accomplishments, and they are just that….accomplishments. It took every ounce of courage inside me to shed my old habits and skin.
To let go of the bad eating, the negative self talk, the fear of abandonment, and the grief that had surrounded me like a warm blanket.
I know how much easier it is to give in, and say “I can’t do anything about it. You don’t understand”. Defensive tactics at best. I work on trying to heal those old wounds every day. Getting my 36-year-old self to an exercise class is reason for a parade! Learning to practice gratitude and patience, even when my go-to response is an anxiety attack….I think that deserves a happy dance! Everyday I choose happiness and my health is an accomplishment.
It is a choice. It is a choice I am making to survive.
But, how do you continue to love friends and family, as they stay stagnant and you are desperate to move forward? Trying to break patterns, and find new ways to communicate is the only way. It hurts. It takes time, and is not guaranteed. These are my struggles my friends. How do you take care of yourself without causing a great divide between those closest to you?