My bed was incredibly hard to get out of this morning. It enveloped me, comforted me, and begged me not leave. And I wanted to stay in it. I wanted to stay in it so badly. I wanted to curl up and stay in the warmth of the covers, and allow my head to remain cuddled within my big squishy pillow. It would have been the easiest thing in the world to do. To stay in the bed and forget my responsibilities and the doctors appointments.
It takes a hell of a lot more courage to get up.
You see, even though I have found a decent combo of pills that have (moderately) kept the symptoms at the bay, I am still fighting the pain. The sharp and drastic pain that the doctors shrug their shoulders at, and say they have “no idea why” it is happening. That bastard pain that woke me up in the middle of the night on Sunday begging Mike to get me the Tramadol. But, you know, the medical professionals can’t give me an answer. They can, however, keep supplying me with pain medication. Brilliant.
Now, I could very easily and ecstatically rely on the Tramadol to numb the pain. In fact, I did it for most of the weekend. But, the side effects are a lovely combo of slurring, exhaustion, irritability and you guessed it….not wanting to get out of bed. The pain killers kill the pain, and erase you from your life. You have a choice to make. 1) become a pain-free sloth, who confines themselves to the house and drools on the couch while watching re-runs of The Golden Girls 2) try to work through the pain, and start raising hell with the doctors.
I will take option #2. It is the only option. Because, giving into the pain pills and allowing myself to retreat from my life just isn’t an option. And trust me, this isn’t an easy decision. I desperately want to numb out, and allow myself to hide in bed. I want it more than anything. So, that is why I have to fight it. I have to smack myself in the face and try to get back on track.
Sometimes the hardest fight you will ever have is within yourself. It is an epic battle. It is the war between giving in and giving up, or standing up and fighting with everything you have. I will fumble, that is for sure….but, I will not stop trying. I will never stop looking into the future and reaching for something extraordinary.
Let the battle begin.