So here is the truth. I am scared. Confused and utterly scared. I am at such a crossroads in my life where everything I knew to be true in my past has changed. Ironically, I used to be completely sure of my future, yet completely unaware of who I was. I was insecure and quite embarrassingly a needy mess. There, I said it. I have no shame in remembering the scared girl I used to be, because I have moved past her now. I was confident that I would be a mother, and that I would grow old with my best friend. Yet, I no longer know if either of those are possiblities. My future is now a blank page, and I have no idea how to write the next chapter. I am a different person now. My joy is quieter now. I find my peace and my laughter with Mike. I am happy to burrow in my home. I want selfishly to live my days exploring everything with him. Love has changed every part of my being, but has also thrown me for the world’s biggest loop.
This year and my subsequent heath issues has left me with so many questions, and so many fears. Although we fixed the immediate problem, the harsh truth is that I will always be someone who walks the uphill battle of trying to stay well. My stomach has been my worst enemy since I was a little girl, and to this day burns like fire, and doubles me over at the first sign of stress. All I can think of now is “how selfish would I be to raise a child when I constantly fight to stay well”. I don’t want that burden placed on Mike. I look at Mike and the person I have become because of his love and support, and I want to write stories of our adventures, and not our struggles. My life with Mike is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am home when I am standing by his side. What if stubbornly sticking to my past ideals of motherhood hurt everything we have built? I look around desperately for a family life or marriage that I can aspire to. Yet, my friends who have babies are struggling and exhausted. I see marriages crumbling, and couples raging war on eachother or treating their partners with indifference. I can not find anything to hold on to that affirms a happy family life.
How do I write my own story? How do I take the love and joy that I have with my partner, and create a completely different book?
What happens now that everything I used to hold true is changing? Friendships have broken my heart, business deals have fallen through, and I am fighting to be a woman I can be proud of. I am terrified. I used to be so sure of myself. I was so god dammed cockey. I look back and have no idea who that girl was.
So, I venture off and grasp to create my own future. I have no idea what I am doing. I used to have my best friend as my guiding post and north star, and her cancer has taken her away, traveling down her own path…and she doesn’t want anyone beside her. Not even me. Her future has irrevocably changed too….
I have to try to paint a future without the two things I always thought were a given. Me being a mom, and my best friend being there beside me.
I am grieving over the future I thought I was going to have.
All I can do now is fight to live in the moments of joy. I choose everyday to focus on the things I am grateful for. I choose to find laughter. I choose to TRY. It is not always an easy task. But, I have love. Great love. I have a future with a man who will walk beside me. I need to make peace with the unknown, and say goodbye to the future I thought I wanted. I need to stop being so damned frightened.
I focus on my new story, and hope it will be as beautiful as the previous one I had invisioned.